Looking Back

I have found myself going over the last year in my mind and evaluating what has occurred in my life. There have been many changes and adjustments, but lots of learning, growing and understanding along the way. Last November when we learned of Mom's cancer, I had nightmares about what might be coming. Every time mom and dad said "We're OK with this" I would think, "You have no idea what 'this' is"! I knew they would handle it in the eternal sense, but the physical was scary to me. It was easy to quit working and just be available for them, but I didn't anticipate the notion that I wouldn't be able to stay away from their house. Not because they needed me, but because I needed to be there. I don't think I ever really thought about what was happening, it just happened and I just did what ever needed to be done. I didn't realize until later what a blessing that was. The being needed and busy and close all made saying goodbye so much easier. I feel selfish, in a way, because I was there so much. I know all of you would have loved to do that very thing. Watching Dallin say goodbye to Mom in the hospital before he left on his mission was harder than watching Mom die. I knew they wouldn't meet again in this life, but they both promised to hang on for 2 years until Dallin got home. It was heart-breaking to see them both register the unlikely chance that that would happen and cry together without talking about it. She was his biggest fan in everything he did, and he loved her intensely. I weep as I write these things, not from sadness, but from recalling the emotions in the room. After Mom's passing, Dad became like a helpless little child and needed so much to not be alone. I asked him what I could do to help. He doesn't know and neither do I. I knew what to do for Mom: prepare meds, rub her feet, do her hair, get her things, but Dad, his affliction is so internal. I just go and when I need to leave, I have to close my eyes and ears to his subtle pleas for me to stay. Last week, I was particularly emotional about "things" and I realized that amid all of this, I ceased to be a daughter. I think that is my loss. I have stepped into a care-giver role and no longer get to be the child. I thought I had done that when I moved away from home, but it is not a physical separation. Although she is not here, I still feel her, but she took her "mothering" with her. I miss that. I hope this doesn't make everyone cry. That is not my intention, but, it was good for me to understand what had changed in me. I hope and pray for a calm, uneventful 2009, but I wouldn't want to have missed any of 2008.